An Insider 'Down Low' Account

Gay identified men view them as interesting, hot, and sometimes self-loathing.
Heterosexual identified women view them as calculating, liars, and confused.
Other men in the same boat view them as a secret tribe that can only be fully understood if you’re a part of it.
Heterosexual identified men aren’t sure how to view them, they just hope it ain’t one of their boys.

With the following interview, you are provided with an original angle from the point of view of a young man (27) who is in a relationship with a woman and messes around (had sex) with guys a few times each year.

The man I spoke with identified himself as a Jehovah’s Witness, currently in a 7 year relationship with a woman.

1. Tell us how you meet new men. Where, what kinds of places?

Party Line (phone) and Pavilions (grocery store); never been 2 a gay club.

2. Are there different places for different purposes?

No, usually they approach me.

3. What are your strategies?

Don’t really have one, I smile & say how are you when they look at him; will compliment the on their clothes. I look at the whole package.

4. What kinds of things do you look for in men? What characteristics are important to you?

Masculinity, intelligence, age, not over 50.

5. In women?

No age limit; prefer older women, prefer extremely feminine, beautiful teeth, very religious.

6. What are some of the things that come up when you meet someone and decide to have sex?

What do they like to do, are they involved; monogamous genderwise with women.

7. Tell me about the last time you met a new guy you had sex with.

6 months ago; met him in Milan (Black/Italian), he was with one of his assistants from American Idol & he was gay. It was hard to do it cause he knew his girlfriend; he (Italian) coaxed him by inviting him to have Haggen Daas Ice cream; he encouraged him to ‘relax’ & they started talking about sex; he changed & showed his goods & this led to the hookup.


Relationships

• Let’s talk a little about relationships. What kinds of relationships with men have you had?

With women, he’s had 2 serious relationships, in HS & the 1 he’s with now.
With men, nothing serious has fooled around with 4 total.

• Are there differences in the way you meet men for casual sex versus for longer relationships?

He looks at women & men differently. He approaches women & men differently, with a woman its more about finesse, dating, with a man its about looking at the goods & deciding if I want them or not; with a woman you can’ t have the goods w/o buying all the things with it.

• Does meeting men for longer relationships happen?

No.

Sexual Experiences

• First, what are you looking for in sex? What does sex mean to you?

He makes love with his girl & has sex with his girl. To make love to a person is to know them & to know their needs, to have sex its just about ‘getting off’; Making love is about the whole foreplay…..

• What’s the best sex you’ve had? Describe the situation.

With the guy in Italy 6 months ago.

• What’s the worst sex you’ve had? Describe the situation.

With a guy, he felt I owed him something afterwards & he told me the he thought I was gonna pay home when I hooked up with him.

• Are there some sexual activities more important to you than others? (anal/oral; top/bottom).

Like getting his dick sucked by guys & a nice juicy booty; & I love tits.

• Where is sex in your life? How much of your life revolves around sex?

40% of his life revolves around sex.

Nature and Patterns of Sexual Negotiation (communication, how work things out, decision-making)

• Think about the last time you had sex with a man, did you and he talk about sex before having sex?
Yes.

• What kinds of things did you talk about? What were some of the things you thought about but didn’t talk about?

Did he have condoms, did he have lube, when did he last get fucked.

• In what ways do you let someone you are having sex with know what you want to do sexually? Do you get your way?

Verbalize.

• In what ways does someone you are having sex with let you know what he wants to do sexually? Did you want to do what he wanted you to do? Did you usually do what he wanted?

Break everything down, tell them exactly what I like & what I didn’t like.

• Were there times when you kept yourself from having sex even though you wanted to have it?
Yes.

• What was going on when that happened?
Finding myself; with both women & men, for a period of 1 year.

Coercive Situations (pressured to have sex)

• Have you ever had sex with someone when you didn’t want to? Tell me about it. Tell me about the person.
No.

Condom Use

• How do you feel about using condoms? Good.
• In what situations do you feel you need to use them? When you don’t know a person.

• What are some of the things you consider before having unprotected anal sex? Tell me about one of those situations.
Do they do drugs, how promiscuous the person is, hygiene wise.

Safer Sex

• How do you think about “safe sex”? It(‘s) good.

• What are some of the most difficult parts of practicing safer sex?

You don’t get the whole fulfillment. Sometimes use with GF. If she didn’t take the pill, then he put on a jimmy.

• How easy is it to be safe?

He doesn’t carry them, he buys them if the individual does not have them, he buys them.

• Have you had experiences where drugs or alcohol were an issue in trying to have safe sex? No.

Gay Community/Identity Networks, Friendship Network

• How do you feel about the gay community? What about differences between Weho Silverlake?

He’d say the gay community is too extreme, that everything has to be ‘gay’ or a label, they damage themselves to be acknowledged, when you just need to be accepted.

• How would you define yourself (gay/bisexual/queer)? Are most of your friends gay/bisexual/straight/women/men? Bisexual.

How out are you? Not out at all.

How involved are you in the gay community?

He donates clothes to ‘Out of the Closet’.

• How out are you to friends, family, people at work?

Not out to anyone; one of his sisters has an ‘idea’; she asked & he didn’t answer.

Final Question

• If you could change one thing about your relationships with men, what would it be?

That they are not so attached to him; men see that he’s genuine & they tend 2 get attached.